Just when I think, oh I don't know what I think anymore. I thought I had gotten over my miscarriages but listening to Harvest tonight has changed my mind. Just listening to Steven Curtis Chapman sing about his precious Maria and actually sing Blessed Be Your Name. My heart ached. So many times I've heard the song and changed the station. I've asked Lonnie not to play it at church. God you give and take away? Why would you give me my babies and take them away.
Yes,I have 2 wonderful sons He has let me raise for His kingdom but He has 3 of my babies with Him and why? Ok, so if Steven Curtis Chapman can, after 2 months of losing his Maria, sing the song he wrote for her; and then tonight so boldly sing Blessed Be Your Name, You give and take away, why can't I? I still can't sing the song without bawling my eyes out. I can hear it now but I still cry. How am I supposed to sing this to a congregation without completely losing it? Lord, are you asking me to sing this? Am I supposed to say "Blessed be Your name" when I'm still hurting?
Why am I still hurting? It's been almost 4 years since the second miscarriage. August 16 will be 4 years and I still hurt. I still have anger in my heart. My walk has not been the same...God, I'm sooooo sorry. I'm pouring my heart out to you right now. I'm still angry! I'm still hurting! I'm still wondering why, WHY?!
I hear I'm supposed to be homesick for heaven but that scares me. I don't want to part from my family. I want us to be forever connected. I know we will all be in heaven together, I do know that but will my husband be my husband? No, you will. Lord help me to acknowledge the feelings I have and the confusion I feel. To feel...Lord, I need to make you my first love again, I need to come back to the foot of the cross, where I was so close to You.
God, I am homesick for you. I am homesick for the place you are making just for me. To see You face to face, to worship you ALL the time with ALL my heart. Lord to make you my all in all. I love you Jesus! Thank you for how wonderful you are and all you do for me. Lord, I want to be a bond servant for You. I want to live my life worshiping my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. He knows how I feel. He died. God the father had to turn His back on His son when He took on all our sins! Of course he knows how I feel. He suffered more than me. Lord, I want to give You my hurt and my anger! I'm done. I'm ready to move forward.
I know this is going to be a day to day battle. I know it's not going to happen overnight and I know I will always miss my babies. I also know that He is in control!
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to re-commit my life to Christ tonight, every night, every morning, every afternoon, every hour, every minute, every second. Lord, I want to live for you alone.
