7/17/11

Wow, I have not posted in 6 1/2 months. That's crazy! Things are very interesting around here.

I have taken Mateo for a neurological exam and he was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Then I took him for another IRC eval that he was turned down for because they (who are not doctors) say there is nothing wrong with him other than sensory problems. Then I took him to an Occupational Therapist and they feel he needs therapy. They diagnosed him with Neurologic Neglect Syndrome and poor muscle tone. We requested OT through the insurance and they denied him because it is not "medically needed." The insurance is telling me I need to go through IRC. UGH!!!!!!

I took Mateo back to his Dr. for another reason but she feels he needs therapy now and doesn't want to wait till he is 3 for the school district. She sent a letter to IRC and they actually called me that same afternoon. If I would have called myself, it would have taken at least a month for them to call me back. Now, I have to wait another week or so for them to call me back to make an actual appointment. If we get turned down again, I am going to appeal the decision. This is getting very frustrating.

I don't know if Mateo has "Autism" but he has been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and I have been told by 3 medical professionals that he has delays and needs therapies now. I'm so sick of getting the run around. I love my little boy and I just want to see him improve.

As for Khi, I have to take him to a geneticist because he has a small head, crooked pinkies, delayed tooth eruption, and delayed bone growth. I don't know yet when that appointment will take place.

As for me, I have had a lot of health problems with my stomach pain and back pain and joint pain and...yeah the list goes on. We are getting insurance for me hopefully. I'm hoping we will find this out soon. Then I can go to the dr. and find out what is going on.

So anyway, there is an update. A lot has been going on but God is still on the Throne and I just need to trust in him.

New Years 2011

So, I don't typically write my feelings out like this or think about them in this much detail. I don't believe in "resolutions." I believe I will fail if I make them but here are some thoughts that have been on my mind over the last year but mainly the last couple of days. Excuse the randomness and the jumping around in my mind. My mind is very disorganized but God knows what it all means. ;)

My Year 2010 in review and things to come

This year has been a…hmm…been a year of all sorts of things. It wasn’t “bad” or “great.” I have learned many things about my family and myself. I turned 30 years old. My husband turned 31. My boys turned 3 and 1. I discovered that being a stay at home mommy is full of many blessings but comes with great sacrifice. I have learned that I am very unorganized in my life. I have learned that I eat when I am bored. I have learned that my boys crave knowledge. I have learned that my boys crave me. I have learned that balancing life is impossible. I have learned that I can’t go anywhere without the Lord as my center. I have learned that He and only He holds me together. I have learned that I held a lot of bitter feelings and anger toward the Lord. I have learned that getting over anger does not just happen in a day. I have learned that I don’t have all the answers. I have learned that God does. I have learned that I am a very prideful person. I have learned that God wants to break that. I have learned that there are many things I want to change about my lifestyle and me in 2011.

In 2011 I want to have my daily walk with my Jesus be as close as it was in high school and Bible College. I want to make my husband a priority. I want to make my kids a priority. I want to have the TV off much, much more. I want to sing songs and read bible stories with my boys. I want to see my boys fall in love with Jesus. I want to organize my house to make it less chaotic for Mateo and myself. I want Malakhi to learn to write the alphabet. I want to stay home with my kids and take care of them and raise them in the way of the Lord. I want to make things so I can sell them. I want to earn money while still working at home. I want to learn when and what to eat. I want to lose weight. I want to not give up when I don’t see progress in any situation. I want to stay strong in the Lord because I am very weak. I want to know that He is in control. I want to believe with all my heart that God knows what I need, when I need it. I want to make sure I don’t force my will to be done and miss out on God’s blessings! I want to see how he works ALL things to work together for good. I want to miss my babies but know that in Jesus I can put my trust knowing that I will see them again and that God had His reasons for allowing them to be with Him. I want to make Jesus, Lord of my life! I want to live for Him everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second. I want to pray like I’ve never prayed before. I want to listen like I’ve never listened before. I want to have coffee with my Jesus. I want a one on one conversation between my first love and me. I want to kneel at the throne. I want to kiss the feet of Jesus. I want to wash His feet with my hair. I want to raise my hands in complete and total praise. I want to focus on how much God has done in this universe. I want to remember how much more He cares for me than the sparrow. I want to acknowledge that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I want to remember to not be afraid for He has ransomed me and has called me by name. I want all my loved ones and friends to know that I want them to be with me in heaven. I want them to know how. I want them to accept the truth. I want them to experience the Love of God that I have experienced. I want to see them come to the Lord. I want to enter into the throne room and stay there. I want to remember that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I want to remember that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I want to lead by example but also speak the word of God without the fear of offending someone. I want to learn that all my wants should be replaced with wills.

I will do these things this year. I will live for Jesus. I will Love the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength. I will love my neighbor as myself. I will make sure my family and friends know what I believe. I will leave the rest up to God. After all, it’s not my will be done, but Thy will be done.

Lord, I give You my life, my heart, my soul, my mind. Everything I am I give to You. Please take over and control me and live through me. In Jesus Name. Amen.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, of 7 1/2 years, who works so hard to provide for our family. My two wonderful boys. Malakhi who is 3 1/2 years old and what a wonderful gift he is. He truly is my "messenger of God." Mateo who is almost 2 years old. Oh how he has grown the last 2 months. He is my "gift from God." He has gone from saying 6 words to saying too many for me to count. I'm thankful for the job God gave for a month to work with a wonderful person who has now gone home to be with Jesus and her Daddy. I'm thankful for the Christmas season to be home with my boys. I'm thankful for my parents who have always been there for me and for my in-law's who are also there for me. I'm thankful for my sister who loves Jesus so much. I'm thankful for the home I live in and the food I eat. I'm thankful to all my friends who are there for me at the drop of a hat. I'm thankful for the business that was given to Lonnie and I. I'm thankful for the unknown, even though honestly the unknown is very scary, I know that God is in control. I'm thankful for my happy times and my sad times. I'm thankful to the God who gives and takes away. I'm thankful for the trials that I grow in. I'm thankful for the opportunity to praise God in ALL situations. So again with so much more to be thankful for...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Don't have a title

I guess it's been a long time since I've updated on here. Well a lot is going on. As far as weight loss. Nothing worked. I'm praying I can get insurance soon so I can go to the dr. and find out why I'm not losing weight.

As far as Malakhi goes we went through a lot of testing to find out why he was not growing. He had blood work and xrays done and it all came back normal. About a week after we had all the testing done he grew 2 or 3 inches and gained 3lbs. I was very impressed. I felt bad for making him go through all that testing but God worked a miracle and he's just fine.

Now we are here with Mateo. He is starting evaluations for possible high functioning autism. He has delayed speech and regressed speech. There are several words he used to say like "nigh-nigh" "bye-bye" "out" and "poo-poo." He does however say other words. He says "Papa" "ball" "aqua" "cheese" "cookie" oh and I cant forget he tries to say "toy story." He has been throwing huge temper tantrums and yesterday had a complete meltdown when Malakhi and I were singing to a certain song. He started holding his ears, rocking, banging his head, screaming, and hitting me until we stopped. It was so strange. I've never seen him do that before. I tried it again later and he did the same thing. He also has poor eye contact. Then I look at him with other kids and it seems like most of the time he's playing with them so I really don't know what to think. I'm waiting for IRC to call me back for our first evaluation appt. We shall see.

Lonnie and i started a new business and we are praying it takes off soon. I'm supposed to be starting back to work this week to get some extra money but so far I've been called off everyday. Yes I am happy I get to stay home with my boys but we are also counting on this money. I just hope and pray that the business takes off so I can be home full time again.

My mom has passed the first process of a transplant. She passed the Kaiser screening and is moving on to the National Transplant Committee. Now we are praying things move along quickly.

I guess that's all for now from the Pando family.

Harvest Ramblings

Just when I think, oh I don't know what I think anymore. I thought I had gotten over my miscarriages but listening to Harvest tonight has changed my mind. Just listening to Steven Curtis Chapman sing about his precious Maria and actually sing Blessed Be Your Name. My heart ached. So many times I've heard the song and changed the station. I've asked Lonnie not to play it at church. God you give and take away? Why would you give me my babies and take them away.

Yes,I have 2 wonderful sons He has let me raise for His kingdom but He has 3 of my babies with Him and why? Ok, so if Steven Curtis Chapman can, after 2 months of losing his Maria, sing the song he wrote for her; and then tonight so boldly sing Blessed Be Your Name, You give and take away, why can't I? I still can't sing the song without bawling my eyes out. I can hear it now but I still cry. How am I supposed to sing this to a congregation without completely losing it? Lord, are you asking me to sing this? Am I supposed to say "Blessed be Your name" when I'm still hurting?

Why am I still hurting? It's been almost 4 years since the second miscarriage. August 16 will be 4 years and I still hurt. I still have anger in my heart. My walk has not been the same...God, I'm sooooo sorry. I'm pouring my heart out to you right now. I'm still angry! I'm still hurting! I'm still wondering why, WHY?!

I hear I'm supposed to be homesick for heaven but that scares me. I don't want to part from my family. I want us to be forever connected. I know we will all be in heaven together, I do know that but will my husband be my husband? No, you will. Lord help me to acknowledge the feelings I have and the confusion I feel. To feel...Lord, I need to make you my first love again, I need to come back to the foot of the cross, where I was so close to You.

God, I am homesick for you. I am homesick for the place you are making just for me. To see You face to face, to worship you ALL the time with ALL my heart. Lord to make you my all in all. I love you Jesus! Thank you for how wonderful you are and all you do for me. Lord, I want to be a bond servant for You. I want to live my life worshiping my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. He knows how I feel. He died. God the father had to turn His back on His son when He took on all our sins! Of course he knows how I feel. He suffered more than me. Lord, I want to give You my hurt and my anger! I'm done. I'm ready to move forward.

I know this is going to be a day to day battle. I know it's not going to happen overnight and I know I will always miss my babies. I also know that He is in control!

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to re-commit my life to Christ tonight, every night, every morning, every afternoon, every hour, every minute, every second. Lord, I want to live for you alone.

lighter post

OK, onto a lighter post. I love listening to other people talk. One person is trying to say one thing while the other is thinking they mean something else. I'm sitting here listening knowing exactly what each person is talking about and they are going back and forth in this conversation trying to figure out what eachother are talking about. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Weight Loss Part 3 or 4

Ok. VERY frustrated. I'm not losing weight. I've been doing this for 4 weeks now. I just got really serious about it a week ago but have still not lost any weight. I'm doing 20 minutes of circuit training with jillian michaels on the 30 day shred and still nothing! I'm also swimming, walking and using biggest loser video game. UUUGGGGG!!!!!!!! I am still at 224! When will I see results???? I just don't understand. I've also lowered my calorie intake to 1600 calories. I'm trying hard. I'm going to try harder I guess. Lord, give me the strength to get my life back in order.