I don't know how to express the way I am feeling right now. My heart is joyous for all my friends and family who are pregnant and having babies but yet my heart has so much sorrow that I will not have another. I know it is very selfish of me to feel this way. I absolutely love my boys so much. If I didn't have them, I would not know the love of a mother for a child. That must be why my heart is so heavy. There is something special about raising a child up in the ways of the Lord. Even now I hear Malakhi in the other room singing Jesus loves me and I just melt.

Oh I don't know why I'm going on and on about this. I know I just need to move past it. I guess I just needed to write it down somewhere. :)

Never take for granted the blessings you have in your life.

Never take for granted the blessings you have in your life.

I think we live day by day and forget to count how many blessings the Lord has given us. I look at myself and complain about this, or that. Then, I stop, I look around and discover how wonderful our Lord is. I have great parents who love me. I have a sister who tolerates, okay loves me. LOL. I met a wonderful man who is my best friend and became my husband almost 7 years ago. We bought our first home almost 7 years ago. We both had jobs that allowed us to do that. We got pregnant with our first baby in January of 06 and our second in July of 06. No, we didn't get to meet them yet. Jesus is holding onto them for now but we will meet our babies in heaven. In September of 06 we got pregnant again. This time God guided the Dr. to find out why I was miscarrying and I was able to hold onto him. Our precious Malakhi was born June 20th 2007. Now he's sitting here in front of me watching Handy Manny at his Handy Manny table and eating his cheerio's at 2 1/2 years old. Then in May of 08 I got pregnant I think but that baby is also with Jesus. Then June of 08 I found out I was pregnant again. We have our precious Mateo who was born February 13th 2009.

I wrote all this to say even when things in this world are stressing us out all around us, look at all the blessings we have. Without putting all my trust in Jesus I know I wouldn't be grateful for the situation I am in right now.

I love my Lord and trust Him with ALL my heart. I know that He causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.
Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and he will make you path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

I'm going to be starting a new Bible Study soon. It is self led but if anyone has any suggestions that would be great. I've been reading my Bible and just surface reading. Looking for the God is great, God is good, until I got to Hebrews. Then it started talking about going deeper and actually studying the ways of God. Now, when I am done with Hebrews, I'm going to start reading in the old testament. I want to go deeper. I know that God has washed away our sins and we are no longer "under the law," but I want to know the laws of God. I want to understand them, and I want to follow them as closely as possible with God's help of course.

Why, for so long, have I just looked at the surface of God. I just looked for Him to tell me that everything would be ok. I just wanted to be reminded of His grace. He died once for me why do I think I have to keep coming back? I don't. I'm His! I belong to Jesus! I need to get serious for Him. I need to learn His ways and follow Him.

Ok, sorry for the rant. I feel way the heck better now. :) So if you even read this and were able to follow. Thank you. :)