Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, of 7 1/2 years, who works so hard to provide for our family. My two wonderful boys. Malakhi who is 3 1/2 years old and what a wonderful gift he is. He truly is my "messenger of God." Mateo who is almost 2 years old. Oh how he has grown the last 2 months. He is my "gift from God." He has gone from saying 6 words to saying too many for me to count. I'm thankful for the job God gave for a month to work with a wonderful person who has now gone home to be with Jesus and her Daddy. I'm thankful for the Christmas season to be home with my boys. I'm thankful for my parents who have always been there for me and for my in-law's who are also there for me. I'm thankful for my sister who loves Jesus so much. I'm thankful for the home I live in and the food I eat. I'm thankful to all my friends who are there for me at the drop of a hat. I'm thankful for the business that was given to Lonnie and I. I'm thankful for the unknown, even though honestly the unknown is very scary, I know that God is in control. I'm thankful for my happy times and my sad times. I'm thankful to the God who gives and takes away. I'm thankful for the trials that I grow in. I'm thankful for the opportunity to praise God in ALL situations. So again with so much more to be thankful for...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Don't have a title

I guess it's been a long time since I've updated on here. Well a lot is going on. As far as weight loss. Nothing worked. I'm praying I can get insurance soon so I can go to the dr. and find out why I'm not losing weight.

As far as Malakhi goes we went through a lot of testing to find out why he was not growing. He had blood work and xrays done and it all came back normal. About a week after we had all the testing done he grew 2 or 3 inches and gained 3lbs. I was very impressed. I felt bad for making him go through all that testing but God worked a miracle and he's just fine.

Now we are here with Mateo. He is starting evaluations for possible high functioning autism. He has delayed speech and regressed speech. There are several words he used to say like "nigh-nigh" "bye-bye" "out" and "poo-poo." He does however say other words. He says "Papa" "ball" "aqua" "cheese" "cookie" oh and I cant forget he tries to say "toy story." He has been throwing huge temper tantrums and yesterday had a complete meltdown when Malakhi and I were singing to a certain song. He started holding his ears, rocking, banging his head, screaming, and hitting me until we stopped. It was so strange. I've never seen him do that before. I tried it again later and he did the same thing. He also has poor eye contact. Then I look at him with other kids and it seems like most of the time he's playing with them so I really don't know what to think. I'm waiting for IRC to call me back for our first evaluation appt. We shall see.

Lonnie and i started a new business and we are praying it takes off soon. I'm supposed to be starting back to work this week to get some extra money but so far I've been called off everyday. Yes I am happy I get to stay home with my boys but we are also counting on this money. I just hope and pray that the business takes off so I can be home full time again.

My mom has passed the first process of a transplant. She passed the Kaiser screening and is moving on to the National Transplant Committee. Now we are praying things move along quickly.

I guess that's all for now from the Pando family.

Harvest Ramblings

Just when I think, oh I don't know what I think anymore. I thought I had gotten over my miscarriages but listening to Harvest tonight has changed my mind. Just listening to Steven Curtis Chapman sing about his precious Maria and actually sing Blessed Be Your Name. My heart ached. So many times I've heard the song and changed the station. I've asked Lonnie not to play it at church. God you give and take away? Why would you give me my babies and take them away.

Yes,I have 2 wonderful sons He has let me raise for His kingdom but He has 3 of my babies with Him and why? Ok, so if Steven Curtis Chapman can, after 2 months of losing his Maria, sing the song he wrote for her; and then tonight so boldly sing Blessed Be Your Name, You give and take away, why can't I? I still can't sing the song without bawling my eyes out. I can hear it now but I still cry. How am I supposed to sing this to a congregation without completely losing it? Lord, are you asking me to sing this? Am I supposed to say "Blessed be Your name" when I'm still hurting?

Why am I still hurting? It's been almost 4 years since the second miscarriage. August 16 will be 4 years and I still hurt. I still have anger in my heart. My walk has not been the same...God, I'm sooooo sorry. I'm pouring my heart out to you right now. I'm still angry! I'm still hurting! I'm still wondering why, WHY?!

I hear I'm supposed to be homesick for heaven but that scares me. I don't want to part from my family. I want us to be forever connected. I know we will all be in heaven together, I do know that but will my husband be my husband? No, you will. Lord help me to acknowledge the feelings I have and the confusion I feel. To feel...Lord, I need to make you my first love again, I need to come back to the foot of the cross, where I was so close to You.

God, I am homesick for you. I am homesick for the place you are making just for me. To see You face to face, to worship you ALL the time with ALL my heart. Lord to make you my all in all. I love you Jesus! Thank you for how wonderful you are and all you do for me. Lord, I want to be a bond servant for You. I want to live my life worshiping my Lord and savior Jesus Christ. He knows how I feel. He died. God the father had to turn His back on His son when He took on all our sins! Of course he knows how I feel. He suffered more than me. Lord, I want to give You my hurt and my anger! I'm done. I'm ready to move forward.

I know this is going to be a day to day battle. I know it's not going to happen overnight and I know I will always miss my babies. I also know that He is in control!

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is I need to re-commit my life to Christ tonight, every night, every morning, every afternoon, every hour, every minute, every second. Lord, I want to live for you alone.

lighter post

OK, onto a lighter post. I love listening to other people talk. One person is trying to say one thing while the other is thinking they mean something else. I'm sitting here listening knowing exactly what each person is talking about and they are going back and forth in this conversation trying to figure out what eachother are talking about. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Weight Loss Part 3 or 4

Ok. VERY frustrated. I'm not losing weight. I've been doing this for 4 weeks now. I just got really serious about it a week ago but have still not lost any weight. I'm doing 20 minutes of circuit training with jillian michaels on the 30 day shred and still nothing! I'm also swimming, walking and using biggest loser video game. UUUGGGGG!!!!!!!! I am still at 224! When will I see results???? I just don't understand. I've also lowered my calorie intake to 1600 calories. I'm trying hard. I'm going to try harder I guess. Lord, give me the strength to get my life back in order.

UUUUGGGGG!!!!!

Okay just a vent to say I'm getting very discouraged. I've only lost a few pounds since I started this diet and I'm so sad. I tried so hard. I'm not giving up I'm pushing harder. I just want to see results!

Exercise Update 7/21/10

So Monday I got the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Wow what a work out. So on Monday I went swimming for an hour which most was actually swimming and exercising and the rest was chasing the kids around the pool. Then came home and did 30 Day Shred and then my biggest loser challenge. Tuesday I went for a morning walk for 20 minutes with Lonnie, did 30 Day Shred and Biggest Loser. Today I have done 30 Day Shred and am going to do more abs and then do some of the Biggest Loser a little later. I can't report any more weight loss at this time I am sorry to say which is why I have changed tactics. I'm also counting calories thanks to my calorie counter app on my phone. I have however lost 5 pounds in the last 3 weeks so I hope I lose a whole lot more very soon. I just keep trying.

Weight Loss Part 2

Ok so I had my weigh in on Monday and I "gained" weight again. :( I'm so sad. I'm back up to 225. I know weight fluctuates but I've been trying so very hard. I almost didn't write in here but I knew I had to or I would completely give up. It's not my goal to give up. I need to keep pushing. I can lose weight and get healthier. I can.

Weight Loss Part I

I'm Determined! I WILL LOSE WEIGHT. I WILL GET HEALTHY. I WILL BE HAPPY.

Ok on Tuesday, June 29th I again started to exercise with The Biggest Loser video game for Wii. I love it. I had been using it and stopped after 1.5 weeks. I also gained about 20 pounds during the time which I stopped. I don't know what I did other than just not be active and I was semi anxious. I'm so excited to start again.

On the 29th I weighed in at 226 which was up about 20 pounds from right after I had Mateo. On Thursday July 1st I weighed again and actually gained 3lbs. I was so upset so I was up to 229. Monday July 5th I had another weigh in and I weighed 227. I went down. Today which was not a true weigh in just me being curious I weighed and am at 224! I'm so happy. It's not much but I'm down 2lbs from when I started. I want to lose more weight so bad. I'm trying to lose 40-50lbs by the end of summer. This is just my journal as I go along.

I try to work 30-60 minutes a day. I'm also counting calories which isn't fun but it is helping. I've noticed a difference in the way my legs look and a little around the middle. I even started doing sit-ups today using Malakhi to sit on my feet.

Random thoughts at a funeral

Last Sunday May 23, 2010 a co-worker of my dad and Lonnie passed away. His call him Tom. He was 42 years old and had a wife and 14 year old son. Today, May 28, 2010 was his funeral. I am admitting that it was the saddest most depressing funeral I have ever attended. The priest/clergy person/whatever he truly was gets up there and begins by saying we were there to remember the life of Tom. Okay...I can understand so far. He then says that Tom's wife asks him if he thinks he is in heaven...he then asks her "I don't know, what do you think?" She says..."well, I think so...I mean he was a good person"... A good person? Are you kidding me? Do you really think we get into heaven by our works? Romans 3:23: "For ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."

So anyway she says she "thinks" he's in heaven, then the person directing the service says that she also told him that when the lights flickered in the room she said he was in the room with them. Oh my...first of all if he was in "heaven" the bible says to be absent with the body is to be present with the Lord...but then again that requires salvation. So he goes on and "prays" him into heaven. REALLY? I can pray an unsaved person into heaven? The answer would be no. Romans 6:23: "For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." Lets see...the wages of sin is death. No where does it say he is in heaven, nowhere does it say he is with us here, and no where does it say we can "pray" him into heaven. Romans 10:9-10: "If you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by confessing with your mouth that you are saved." Okay good, cleared that one up. We need to confess with our mouth "Jesus You Are Lord, You are Lord of my life." We need to believe that God raised him from the dead...then, we will be saved.

Back to the service, Tom's wife had a massive breakdown in the middle to where the service had to be stopped for several minutes to let her grieve. The the lights flickered due to the A/C kicking on and causing an energy surge and she screamed..."See, I told you...he's here...he came to say goodbye." My heart broke for her. There is absolutely no peace in her life. No knowing where her husband is. No comfort of my savior.

I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 8 years old. I was baptized confessing Him as my Lord. I'm not even close to being a perfect person but I have assurance in my salvation. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. My first thoughts at the funeral were that I needed to get mine and my family's health in a priority so we can be here to raise our kids, which is true, but the more I sat in there and listened to everything that was going on I praised God that IF something ever does happen to Lonnie or me, we have the assurance that the other is in the presence of our all loving Father.

John 3:16: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son that whosoever believes in Him would not perish but have everlasting life."

Please don't be in the position of Tom where you don't know, don't leave your family in a position of not knowing where you are.

I know this was long and much of it probably is rambled because it is late at night and I'm very tired but I had to get these feelings out. All I know is when I go home I want there to be a celebration knowing how happy I am. I understand that people will grieve as I grieve for those I've lost but I will be happy. I will be singing praises to Jesus.

Update

Shortly after posting this we went to urgent care because Khi was having a hard time breathing and gasping for air. It sounded as if he was breathing through a straw. Urgent care closes at 11 and we signed in at 10:55. That was scary. I was worried we wouldn't make it before they closed but we did. Of course Khi had calmed down and fallen asleep too. The Dr. still came in and saw him and said he had a viral infection with underlying asthma. (duh) LOL ok sorry. He gave him a prescription for Prednisone and his inhaler.

The Prednisone has made him not abnormal, but everything he does he does 10xs. he was trying to hand me something yesterday and he kept giving it to me but was forgetting to let go. It's cute but oh my. HAHA. Anyway. I think we are all on the mend. At least I pray this is the end of this cold. :)

Mommy Struggles

Being an asthmatic as a kid is hard. It's a struggle to run, play, and do many other things. I pushed myself as a kid but every time I did, I would get into trouble and not be able to breathe. I would be so sad and so depressed all the time when kids would play and I wasn't able to. Now as a mommy, I'm seeing a whole new side to asthma. My precious Malakhi is so sick with a cold and night times are horrible. He coughs so hard he ends up throwing up.

I just went into his room because his coughing was not letting up. I picked him up and had to wake him completely up to use his inhaler as he just cried. He then begged me to just hold him so I picked him up, took him to the bathroom, and rubbed vicks all over his little chest. My heart just broke. As I sat in the bathroom with him, all I could do was pray and cry. It hurts me so much to see such a little guy be in such misery. I love you Malakhi. I pray Mateo doesn't have asthma. He's already starting to show signs as well.

Lord, let Your will be done. Please help me to be strong for my boys. In Jesus Name. Amen.

I don't know how to express the way I am feeling right now. My heart is joyous for all my friends and family who are pregnant and having babies but yet my heart has so much sorrow that I will not have another. I know it is very selfish of me to feel this way. I absolutely love my boys so much. If I didn't have them, I would not know the love of a mother for a child. That must be why my heart is so heavy. There is something special about raising a child up in the ways of the Lord. Even now I hear Malakhi in the other room singing Jesus loves me and I just melt.

Oh I don't know why I'm going on and on about this. I know I just need to move past it. I guess I just needed to write it down somewhere. :)

Never take for granted the blessings you have in your life.

Never take for granted the blessings you have in your life.

I think we live day by day and forget to count how many blessings the Lord has given us. I look at myself and complain about this, or that. Then, I stop, I look around and discover how wonderful our Lord is. I have great parents who love me. I have a sister who tolerates, okay loves me. LOL. I met a wonderful man who is my best friend and became my husband almost 7 years ago. We bought our first home almost 7 years ago. We both had jobs that allowed us to do that. We got pregnant with our first baby in January of 06 and our second in July of 06. No, we didn't get to meet them yet. Jesus is holding onto them for now but we will meet our babies in heaven. In September of 06 we got pregnant again. This time God guided the Dr. to find out why I was miscarrying and I was able to hold onto him. Our precious Malakhi was born June 20th 2007. Now he's sitting here in front of me watching Handy Manny at his Handy Manny table and eating his cheerio's at 2 1/2 years old. Then in May of 08 I got pregnant I think but that baby is also with Jesus. Then June of 08 I found out I was pregnant again. We have our precious Mateo who was born February 13th 2009.

I wrote all this to say even when things in this world are stressing us out all around us, look at all the blessings we have. Without putting all my trust in Jesus I know I wouldn't be grateful for the situation I am in right now.

I love my Lord and trust Him with ALL my heart. I know that He causes ALL things to work together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28.
Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and he will make you path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6.

I'm going to be starting a new Bible Study soon. It is self led but if anyone has any suggestions that would be great. I've been reading my Bible and just surface reading. Looking for the God is great, God is good, until I got to Hebrews. Then it started talking about going deeper and actually studying the ways of God. Now, when I am done with Hebrews, I'm going to start reading in the old testament. I want to go deeper. I know that God has washed away our sins and we are no longer "under the law," but I want to know the laws of God. I want to understand them, and I want to follow them as closely as possible with God's help of course.

Why, for so long, have I just looked at the surface of God. I just looked for Him to tell me that everything would be ok. I just wanted to be reminded of His grace. He died once for me why do I think I have to keep coming back? I don't. I'm His! I belong to Jesus! I need to get serious for Him. I need to learn His ways and follow Him.

Ok, sorry for the rant. I feel way the heck better now. :) So if you even read this and were able to follow. Thank you. :)

Happy Birthday Mateo

Today you are 1 year old. You are a wonderful son and have brought so much joy to my life. When you were born you completed our family. From your first cry until now I have been truly blessed. Your Papa and I are so excited to have you in our family. In the first year of your life you have learned to walk, got your first (and only tooth so far), learned how to eat on your own, learned how to use a sippy cup, learned how to say Mama and Papa (even say happy birthday but that's between me and your Nana), and taught me better ways to be a Mommy. There are so many things I could tell you about how much I love you.

Lord, I pray for both of my boys. I love my Malakhi and my Mateo. I love them both so very much. I pray you give me wisdom and how to be the best Mommy ever. I want to train them in Your way. Help me to teach them how much you love them and how to serve You. In Jesus name, Amen.

Well, today is Friday and I'm so glad! My heart feels overwhelmed and I'm not sure why. Everyone here is doing good (great actually.) We are so excited that Mateo is turning 1 in just over 2 weeks. Things are going so good. I'm selling Avon and doing pretty good at it. I guess I'm just an over emotional person.

So...the reason I'm glad it's Friday? Lonnie is home and I get to sleep with him in bed. I really don't mind him working graveyards but the weekends are so refreshing. To be able to spend time with him.

Ok...well, the boys are done eating their lunch so it's off to the bath and a nap.

Sunday Morning

Good morning. It's almost 8:00 and we are all up. Lonnie is not playing today so we don't have to be at church until 10:00. Malakhi is in the shower, Lonnie is sitting on his couch - me on mine, and Mateo is in his highchair whining for breakfast. So, I guess I don't have too much time to sit here and blog. I need to go get my family some breakfast. TTYL :)

TWO Toddlers!

Yes that's right...we now have 2 toddlers in the house. Mateo is walking now as of January 20! I can't believe it! Only a few steps at a time but he LOVES it! He squeals for joy every time he takes a step. I can't believe my baby is growing up so quickly. I love both of them so much.

Blogging

So Yeah...It's been 4 months since blogging again. Just when I say it's going to get better, I forget.

Let's start with the kiddos:

Malakhi is getting big. He is 2 1/2 years old now. He has 6 top teeth and 3 bottom teeth. He is mostly potty trained. He has gone 2 full days with out any wetting accidents. We still need to work on the poopoo. LOL He is such a wonderful little boy and I joy to have in my life!

Mateo will be 1 in a month. I can't believe how fast time flies. He is almost walking on his own. He walks very good with one hand support now. Him and Malakhi just laugh at eachother all the time now.

I'm so proud of these kids. I'm still a stay at home mommy and love it. I'm planning on starting Malakhi on a home school preschool program in June when he turns 3. He is already doing good and can count to 12 with very little help. He also identifies many letters. Started working with him on the "at" words but he lost attention on that very quickly.

Well, Mommy duties call. Mateo is crying cause he wants out of his high chair.

Talk to you all later. :)